Breathing
by mizzshy
Summary: Haruhi collapses in the host club, and everyone is worried. What is wrong with her? And what effects will this have on those around her? And Why is Kaoru acting so strange towards Hikaru suddenly? COMPLETE
1. Feeling

**Ouran Fanfiction**

**Breathing**

**Chapter 1- Feeling**

_CRASH!_

The sound rent the air and several host club customers shrieked. The china shattered on impact with the floor and all the heads in the room turned in the direction of the disturbance. Haruhi was lying on her front, the tray of empty teacups broken and scattered around where she had fallen.

All at once, Tamaki, Kyouya, Hikaru, Kaoru, Hunny and Mori had leaped across the room to the fallen figure. They knelt down around her and Hikaru pushed her hair back from her face. She was ghostly pale and appeared to be twitching and shaking slightly. Panic flooded them all.

"Haruhi?" Hunny was the first to try calling her name. "Haruhi, can you hear me?"

No answer.

"Haruhi?" now Hikaru and Kaoru were trying. "Haruhi?"

Still no answer.

"Someone call an ambulance!" Tamaki said to the others loudly. Then, in a quieter voice, he added, "And we also need to clear the patrons out..."

"I'll call the hospital," said Kyouya, already dialling.

"OK then," Tamaki turned to the rest of the room, raising his voice. "I'm afraid we're going to have to close the host club for today! As you can see, I think we have an emergency on our hands..." He gestured to Haruhi over his shoulder. "Hunny, Mori, would you two be so kind as to show these ladies out and give them our sincerest apologies?" His voice and breathing were visibly shaky.

The two hosts stepped up and made their way to the double doors and Tamaki knelt down again. During this time, the twins had been talking to the still unconscious Haruhi, trying to wake her up. Hikaru and his brother were now both wide eyed and worried and their breaths were coming in shudders.

"The ambulance should be here in about fifteen minutes," Kyouya appeared behind Tamaki. "I'm also going to phone my chauffeur..." He walked away again.

"Do you think she's cold?" Kaoru suggested.

"I don't know…" Tamaki murmured in reply.

Hikaru said nothing, but quickly removed his blazer and draped it over Haruhi, who had still not woken, and her shaking was becoming more pronounced.

Kyouya returned again and quietly began picking up the pieces of broken teacups and putting them on the tray. Mori and Hunny came back and silently sat down on the floor with the others. All the while, the Hitachiin brothers and Tamaki were holding Haruhi's hands and talking to her in hushed voices, but eventually something in Hikaru snapped.

"_Why_ are we talking to her? It's obvious she can't hear a word, so what's the _point_?!" he cried, standing up and staring at the others, his arms moving with his annoyed words.

"Hikaru…" Kaoru stood too, looking a little shocked at his brother's words. "She… she _might_ be able to… to hear us…"

"Well, she hasn't told us she can!" answered Hikaru hotly. "Why should-"

"It's perfectly possible that she can," Kyouya had finished cleaning up the pieces of china and was now standing next to the group- sitting was not his style. "She might be able to hear us but be unable to let us know."

When Hikaru continued to look at him blankly, he added coldly, "Look, we don't know if she can hear us or not, but if she can, then she's not going to like hearing you shouting, is she? You could be scaring her, and it's not exactly helping, is it?"

Hikaru felt as though Kyouya was X-raying him with that penetrating gaze, and glanced back at Kaoru. His twin's face was confused and full of concern. Hikaru wondered if it was for him or for Haruhi, but only briefly, as then he turned on his heel and fled out of the room.

_What was _that_?_ he wondered as he made it out into the corridor and closed the door behind him. _Why did I just… act like… _that_?_

He breathed out hard through his teeth. He couldn't handle this… His temper… His thoughts… Haruhi…

He felt a pang as he thought of Haruhi. She'd just collapsed and he… He couldn't help feeling guilty. Guilty for his explosion just now, and guilty as he remembered what had occurred earlier, just as they- himself, Kaoru and Haruhi that is- had been leaving their final lesson and heading to the third music room. Haruhi had been walking between him and Kaoru, like always, and as they had begun to climb the stairs, she has paused. The twins had asked what was wrong, and she'd complained of a headache. Hikaru had shrugged it off, saying that it was probably just a passing thing. And then they'd all come here, and twenty minutes later… _crash_.

Hikaru slumped onto the floor in front of the doors and closed his eyes, blinking back wetness which had somehow appeared there. Oh, how he wished and longed to take back those off-hand words. He could have sent her home right then, made sure she got home. Or at the very least, he could have- should have- taken her to the nurse's office for an aspirin. He put his hands on his head and tried to calm himself, taking deep breaths to steady his nerves.

Another few minutes later, the doors behind Hikaru opened and he scrambled up to see that cat-like, golden eyes and soft, strawberry-blonde hair of his brother. Kaoru closed the door behind him before saying quietly, "Hikaru..."

Hikaru couldn't help it, tears began to seep down his face and soon he was in Kaoru's arms, crying. This was unusual for him; crying was not normally what he did in these situations. He would ordinarily probably shout, or act sulky, or both. But once he started, he couldn't stop. The two boys stayed like that for more than a few minutes, before Kaoru said softly into Hikaru's ear, "Hikaru... what is all this about? _I_'m usually the crier of the family..."

Hikaru pulled away and looked at him.

"I... I just..." he hesitated between gasps and sniffs. "I feel so guilty... Like... it's _my_ fault."

Kaoru looked confused. "How is that possible?"

"Do you remember earlier... when we were on our way here?"

Hikaru recounted the story, telling Kaoru of his fears for Haruhi, his worries about what he'd said, and his anger about all of it, everything.

"Why Haruhi? Why not... why not one of the rest of us?" he implored miserably.

"Hikaru," Kaoru placed his hands on his brother's shoulders, "this is not something we can control. Fate can be so unkind, but that is what we get. And if you remember correctly, we both brushed off the headache as something unimportant, but it's no use blaming ourselves and wishing we could change it, because we can't."

Hikaru blinked. When had Kaoru become such a philosopher?

Kaoru tried a small encouraging smile.

"I know what you're thinking," he said. "How did I come out with something so profound? I've been through a bit recently... Unrequited love, that sort of thing. It made me do a lot of thinking... Are you OK now?"

Kaoru was looking into Hikaru's face, searching carefully for any signs of anything in the older boy.

Hikaru nodded slowly and Kaoru handed him a tissue from his pocket.

"Thanks..." the elder twin wiped his face and nose.

"Come on, we're supposed to go outside," Kaoru grabbed his twin's hand and began to pull him along the corridor. "Kyouya said someone needed to go wait for the ambulance and show them where to go."

Hikaru said nothing as they made their way downstairs. He was digesting this new and, frankly, unexpected information which had come from Kaoru. He had not noticed a thing wrong with his brother. Everything had seemed completely normal in _that_ part of his life. But now it disturbed him. Why had Kaoru not told him about this? Was it that he could not trust Hikaru? They'd told each other everything before...

Or maybe he and Kaoru were simply drifting apart... No longer the one entity they used to be...

Feeling utterly dreadful about having another problem to add to his list, Hikaru stood silently by the road with Kaoru and waited for the ambulance.

When it finally arrived they took the crew u to the third music room.

"He's had a seizure," one of the medics informed them after a few minutes of examination. "He'll wake soon, but we need to take him to hospital."

Haruhi was put on a stretcher, no longer twitching, but completely still, with her eyes closed. Hikaru had to check the rise and fall of her chest to be sure she was still breathing.

The host club followed the medics back down to the ambulance and watched their friend as she was loaded into it.

"Someone needs to ride in the ambulance with the casualty," one of the crew approached the group.

"We'll do it!"

Kaoru had stepped forward, still clutching Hikaru's hand, so that the latter was pulled forward with him. A small wave of surprise ran through the hosts- this behaviour was unusual for him, even in their eyes. Hikaru merely stood there, blinking, as the crew member looked them up and down and nodded.

The two of them jumped into the back of the ambulance and settled on seats. The last thing Hikaru saw was the faces of the others- Tamaki, looking rather put out at not being the one in there with Haruhi, Kyouya, looking cool as ever, talking to one of the medics, Honey, clutching Usa-chan and with his eyebrows raised, and Mori, his visage not betraying a thing about the thoughts behind it- before the door was slammed shut.

For the first five minutes of the journey, the Hitachiin twins sat in silence, watching Haruhi carefully. Watching her steady, slow breathing with the rise and fall of her chest. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Hikaru was the one to break the silence.

"Kaoru..." his brother turned to look at him. "What did you mean earlier... when you said... 'unrequited love'?"

"Oh..." a small blush appeared on Kaoru's face. "That... It... it was nothing r-really, just..."

The end of the sentence hung in the air. Hikaru grabbed it.

"Just what?"

"N-nothing... Forget I said anything..." Kaoru looked away.

Hikaru paused, then asked, "Is it someone at Ouran?"

Kaoru nodded, eyes on Haruhi.

"Who?"

"Hikaru... please, just leave it..." Kaoru's eyes looked back to Hikaru, full of tears.

"Is it... Haruhi?"

"No!"

"Who then?"

"I _said_, DROP IT!"

There was anger in Kaoru's voice now- another surprise.

"Kaoru..." Hikaru blinked furiously, feeling familiar heat at the backs of his eyes. Kaoru was shaking, part anger, part sorrow.

Hikaru decided to voice his fears. "It's just... ever since you said that to me, it's felt so strange..." he said shakily, trying to hold his own against his emotions, "and... I feel like we might be separating out..."

His twin looked at him sharply.

"Aren't... aren't we the same as we used to be?" Hikaru continued. "I feel like there's a wall between us. It's taking you away from me... I don't want that to happen..."

The last part came out as a sob and Hikaru felt arms around him through the haze of tears.

"I don't want that either," Kaoru's breath tickled in his hair and ear.

The pair stayed like that for a while, clinging to each other, until they went over a bump in the road and were jolted apart.

"We'll be fine," said Kaoru, smiling a little. "You're just emotional right now because of Haruhi..."

Just then, the ambulance stopped and they heard voices outside.

"Looks like we're here," the younger twin glanced again at Haruhi. "We need to stay with her. If she wakes up with only doctors around- or even alone- she'll be terrified."

Haruhi was placed on a gurney and the two redheads each took one of her small hands and began to walk along with their friend. The movement through the corridors seemed to stir her. Her eyelids fluttered open as they all entered the lift and the doors closed. Both the twins lowered their heads to comfort her.

"Don't say anything," they whispered. "You're in hospital; you had a seizure..."

The small figure did not argue, but they both felt her grip on their hands tighten somewhat, and they heard her breathing begin to shake a little.

Haruhi was wheeled off somewhere and the twins were no longer allowed to follow her, and so they sank onto some of the hard, orange, plastic seats in the waiting room, not saying a word. Why did hospitals always have that... hospital smell? It was something about the smell and atmosphere which made them unwilling to talk, even to one another. Hikaru also still felt that barrier, that feeling that he and Kaoru weren't the same as they'd always been.

After ten minutes, the double doors at one end of the room opened.

"We got stuck in traffic," explained Hunny to the twins as the rest of the club arrived and sat down with them. "How's Haru-chan?"

The twins merely shrugged.

"Hang on..." Tamaki was looking unusually pensive. "Do they still think that Haruhi is a guy?"

"No, I explained to the ambulance crew," answered Kyouya, producing his notebook. "They won't ask questions."

There was a short silence before Mori asked, "And what about her father?"

"I already called him," explained the raven-haired host, now scribbling things down in the notebook. "He said he'd be here as soon as he could."

"So that means we just...?" Tamaki's question trailed and Kyouya nodded.

"Just sit and wait. It's all we _can_ do."

An hour passed, one of the longest of their lives, in which very few words were exchanged and many sighs were heard. At long last, the double doors opened again, and a doctor emerged, carrying a clipboard, and approached the group, all of whom rose from their seats.

"Good evening. I'm doctor Nakamura. I'll be the one taking care of your friend," he explained. When they all stared at him with bated breath, he added, "She's resting in her room now."

They all exhaled simultaneously, six identical sighs of relief, and doctor Nakamura continued, "She's had some tests done so that we can determine what is wrong with her."

"Can we see her?" asked Hunny eagerly.

"Are any of you in her immediate family?"

They all shook their heads.

"Then I'm afraid I can't let you do that."

"Doctor," Kyouya stepped forward and looked at the man. "I don't believe I introduced myself. I'm-"

"Master Ohtori!" the doctor was suddenly highly flustered; he bowed quickly.

"Ah, good, you know who I am... Is there absolutely _no_ possibility of us seeing our friend?"

"Oh... well... ah..." Doctor Nakamura looked at them all. "Well... alright. Follow me."

He led them through the doors and along a few corridors to a small collection of single rooms.

"In here," he said, pushing open the door at the far end. "Miss Fujioka, you have some friends to visit..."

They all walked in and took in their surroundings. The room was a good size, with an airy feel and a large window, through which the sky could be seen. The walls were a soft blue, with a darker blue carpet. More like a hotel, it even had a sofa and coffee table by the window. Relief washed over their faces again as they saw a rather tired-looking but smiling Haruhi in the bed.

"Hi," she greeted the group, leaning forward to talk to them.

"Miss Fujioka, you really shouldn't sit up like that," the doctor moved to her side. "Please, just lie back and try to rest." He put a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed, but Haruhi resisted.

"I told you, I feel fine now," she replied. "I don't want to be here; I'm a burden on you."

"Miss Fujioka, I must insist."

"I'd go now if you'd let me," she grumbled uncharacteristically, but lay back obediently. "I have to stay here for a few days for observation," she explained to her visitors.

"And she's not happy about it," added Doctor Nakamura, writing something on his clipboard. "I'll leave you all. Miss Fujioka, if you need anything-"

"I'll ring the bell," she finished wearily.

The doctor left the room and silence fell.

"How do you feel, Haru-chan?" Hunny stepped up to her side, head tilted to one side and Usa-chan clutched in his arms as usual.

"I feel fine, I'm just annoyed because they won't let me go yet," she replied, smiling at Hunny. "I really need to get home. The flat needs tidying, and I have so much homework, and I need to make dinner before dad gets-"

She stopped and gasped, sitting up again.

"Ah, _dad_!" she exclaimed, hands clapped over her mouth. "Where is he? Is he here? Does he know what happened?"

"Yes, relax, Kyouya phoned him," Tamaki went to her other side. "He'll be here soon. Please stop getting worked up and lie back. You don't want another seizure do you?"

Haruhi frowned but did as he asked.

"So..." she seemed to be searching for something to talk about. "What happened after I passed out?"

The seven of them made small conversation, which soon became normal chat. They were all sitting around her on the bed when Ranka arrived.

"The rest of you will have to leave, I'm afraid," the nurse told them.

They said their goodbyes, promising to come visit their friend again tomorrow, and left.

Outside the hospital, the male hosts all called their various drivers. Hikaru shivered and realised he'd left his blazer with Haruhi. When Kaoru looked at him quizzically, he explained and they went back inside, waving to the others as they all waited.

Back at Haruhi's room, the door had been left ajar, and the twins could hear Haruhi talking to her father.

"... to worry, dad. I'm fine, really," they heard her mutter.

"I know you're fine _now_, but I just..." Ranka's voice paused and Hikaru and Kaoru could hear the hesitation in the tone. "I just can't help but think of your mother."

There was another pause, and the Hitachiins could almost see Haruhi's expression before she quietly answered, "Dad, I'll be fine."

"That's exactly what she said," replied Ranka. "She was exactly the same about hospitals too. She didn't like being in them because she thought she was taking up bed space for someone more in need of it."

Haruhi said nothing in response to this, but the twins heard movement on the bed and knew that the pair were hugging.

"I don't want to lose you like I lost her," they heard the choked words and felt tears spring to their own eyes.

"You won't," Haruhi seemed to be crying too, and the brothers gazed at each other.

"Come on," murmured Hikaru. "I have other blazers at home."

The two identical boys left, holding each other's hand. This was not a moment to interrupt with such small matters as garments.


	2. Dreaming

**Ouran Fanfiction**

**Breathing**

**Chapter 2- Dreaming**

Hikaru thought sleeping that night would be difficult, what with his worries for Haruhi and Kaoru. He even worried a little that Kaoru might go and sleep in the other room, but then he realised that he knew his other half better than that. Kaoru curled up as usual in the bed the twins shared, and as soon as Hikaru's head touched the pillow, he found he was exhausted and sleep came easily.

--

Hikaru saw the light of morning through the thin skin of his eyelids.

_Ugh, morning already?_ he thought groggily.

Opening his eyes a slit, he saw bright light and closed them again quickly.

He could feel arms wrapped around him and thought Kaoru must be hugging him from behind.

_Ah well, no point in dragging it out; may as well get up now..._

Reluctantly, he opened his eyes again.

And did a double take.

This was not his bedroom. Powder blue walls, darker blue carpet, coffee table and sofa. This was Haruhi's hospital room.

He sat up. He had not noticed until now that he had been lying on his back, so who was...? Looking down, another shock went through him. A straight-jacket?!

"Hikaru."

Hikaru jumped again. Haruhi was standing next to his (_her_?) bed. She had definitely _not _been there before.

"What the... Where am I?" he spluttered, arms now pulling at the straight-jacket, which was proving almost solid in its bonds.

"You're in hospital," she answered simply. There was something disturbing about her, Hikaru thought. Perhaps it was the vacant expression, the strange smile, the light voice. "You fainted at the host club, remember?"

Hikaru shook his head slowly, as though through treacle.

"N- No," he answered quietly, hesitantly. "Y- You had a seizure-"

"A seizure? Me?" Haruhi have a strange, tinny laugh. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about..."

Hikaru frowned, closing his eyes a little. The light in here was too bright...

"Kaoru!" Haruhi had suddenly turned her head towards the door, which Kaoru presently came through.

"Yes darling?" he asked, gazing at her.

_Darling_? Since when had Kaoru called Haruhi _darling_?

"Hikaru doesn't seem to remember what happened at the host club," Haruhi told him, smiling absently.

"Oh..." Kaoru crossed to Haruhi's side and they both stared strangely at Hikaru. All the while, the light in the room got slowly brighter. "Well, truth is, you fainted"- he stopped briefly to put an arm around Haruhi's slight shoulders- "when you found out we were together."

Hikaru felt his eyes grow wider despite the increasing intensity of light in the room. Unable to think of any other reply, he merely settled for a confused, "Huh?!"

Now, his friends' eyes were wide, unblinking, and creepy-looking. He found himself squinting a little in the brightening light.

"If you want, we can all three of us be together..."

Hikaru was not sure which one of them had said it this time. Neither of them appeared to have moved their lips.

The last thing he knew was them leaning forward and him leaning back, away from them, arms still straining against the straightjacket, and then him screwing up his eyes tightly against the bright light, getting brighter and brighter and...

--

Hikaru opened his eyes. It was still the middle of the night, and he was in his own room. There was no bright light, and Haruhi was nowhere to be seen. His mind raced through all the details of the dream. The hospital room, Haruhi and Kaoru, the straight-jacket... Presently, Hikaru looked down his body and felt his stomach flip over when he saw pale arms wrapped around his torso. Oh. Kaoru's arms. Hikaru sat up, disentangling himself from his twin's limbs. It was disturbing to feel them there...

Running his hands through his strawberry-blonde hair, he heard Kaoru shifting in the bed next to him.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru's voice was soft and tired and when he sat up too, Hikaru was relieved to see him looking normal and not creepy at all.

"What's wrong?" asked Kaoru sleepily, barely stifling a yawn. "You don't usually wake up in the middle of the night..."

"Oh... uh..." Hikaru was unsure what to say. "It was uh... nothing... Just a... a strange dream..."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kaoru's voice was not demanding, only gently questioning, curious and wanting to help Hikaru through it if it was bothering him.

Hikaru was about to say "no", but stopped himself. Kaoru would probably tell _him_ if the roles were reversed. So instead he let out his breath on a soft sigh.

"Okay, but... please don't think I'm crazy..."

Hikaru told him, and was relieved when Kaoru did not laugh at him, even when he mentioned the 'darling' part.

"And then I woke up, and your arms were around me, and it felt weird, so..." Hikaru gestured a little and finished.

Kaoru looked at him for a long moment and then smiled very slightly. "Don't you remember what I told you this afternoon?" he asked. "I'm not interested in Haruhi like that, and I have no intention of getting together with her. And," he paused briefly. "I'd probably never call anyone 'darling' unless I was married to them... And possibly not even then."

Hikaru smiled and hugged him, feeling the familiar body against his, and the arms, now feeling soft and warm and nothing like a straight-jacket, holding him close.

"Thank you," Hikaru whispered, his chin resting on Kaoru's shoulder.

--

The next day at school was very tiring for all the hosts, whether they'd had strange dreams or not. All day host club customers bombarded them with questions about Haruhi's well-being and how soon the host would be back at school and in the host club. On instruction from Tamaki, none of the six revealed where Haruhi was staying; they did not want her to have any extra stress when she was resting, even if they didn't know yet what was wrong with their friend. The customers were not very pleased about being kept in the dark, but some of them gave presents and sweets for Haruhi to the rest of the hosts to pass on to her.

In the third music room that afternoon, the remaining hosts were all more busy than usual, because many of Haruhi's usual customers had all latched on to other hosts. Others had cleared off entirely, disappointed at their favourite host's absence. This greatly annoyed Kyouya. After all the host club activities had finished and the hosts were all sitting about getting ready to go home and tidying up the areas they'd been in, Hikaru found the shadow king sitting at a table with his laptop, adding things up with both a calculator and spreadsheet.

"What's wrong?" he asked the upperclassman when he'd sighed exasperatedly.

Kyouya eyed him for a moment before replying, "We've lost a lot of profit today, thanks to Haruhi's not being here."

"Well, it's hardly her fault," retorted Hikaru hotly. "You know perfectly well she'd rather be here, working off her debt, than stuck in a hospital room with nothing to do."

"Hmm..." Kyouya sounded off-handed, typing away on the laptop again. "Meanwhile I'll have to do something about this."

Hikaru frowned. "Do you not care about Haruhi at all?"

Kyouya said nothing, but continued to type.

"You don't care about her at all, do you?" Hikaru was sounding angry now. "You only care about profits and merit and-"

"I _do_ care about Haruhi," Kyouya interrupted him suddenly, lifting his raven head to look at Hikaru and still typing. "But someone needs to worry about these things too."

Hikaru bit back his next retort and went to sit beside Kaoru. He did not want to start another fight.

--

Haruhi was quite cheerful when they went to visit her that evening, although they all knew that she would have preferred to have been in school and not hospital. She happily accepted the homework from the twins and told them all how she'd had to persuade her father to go to work.

"It was quite sweet really," she explained. "He's so worried about all this..."

"When will your test results be back?" asked Tamaki. He had been very concerned about the well-being of his 'daughter' and had been checking the various charts around her bed, even though he didn't understand what half of them were, and questioning her every few minutes.

"They should be in by the end of the week. Friday I think they said," she informed him. "But I feel fine, honestly. I'm confident that they'll come back completely fine."

--

The rest of the week passed much the same for the hosts still in school. Patrons from the host club came up to them to interrogate about Haruhi, and, once again, they did not reveal where she was.

However, some of the more devious girls managed to find out where Haruhi was, and they would turn up every so often at the hospital with cookies they'd baked especially for Haruhi or another card, or sweets and treats (due to Haruhi's dislike for sweets, these were graciously received and then most were given to Hunny, who happily disposed of them). But, whether out of spite or genuine concern for Haruhi's health, most of them did not appear to disclose their discovery to many other girls, and so Haruhi was allowed some time alone with the other hosts.

Friday afternoon stood out to all of them as the results day, and that day they were all gathered in Haruhi's room at the hospital.

"Are you worried about them?" Mori asked her in his quiet, mature voice.

"I don't know," replied Haruhi thoughtfully. "I haven't really thought about the results _themselves_, just that I can't wait to get back home when they're all good."

"That's assuming the results _are_ good," out in Kyouya darkly, earning a small, annoyed glare from Hikaru, who was sitting on the sofa with his brother. "What if they don't come out with the result you want?"

Haruhi blinked at him. "I'm not going to worry about that until I get a bad result. There's no point getting worked up when there's still a chance it could be good."

Just then, the door opened and Doctor Nakamura came through.

"Oh, doctor," Haruhi greeted him, leaning back on her pillows slightly. "We were just discussing the test results."

"Well, I have them here," said the doctor, brandishing his clipboard. "But I'm afraid it's strictly confidential; your friends will have to leave, and your father really ought to be here."

As if on cue, Ranka came hurrying through the door. "I'm here! Please tell me I'm on time to hear the results!"

--

"Hey, Kaoru." Hikaru lifted his head to look at his brother that evening as the pair got ready for bed.

"Hmm?" Kaoru looked up from unbuttoning his shirt.

"Do you think she'll get a good test result or a bad one?" The older twin was already done changing, and was sitting on the bed in his pyjama bottoms.

Kaoru pulled off his shirt and frowned at it in his hands. "I don't know," he replied quietly.

"You don't think it'll be good?" Hikaru raised his eyebrows.

"Well, obviously I _want_ it to be," said the younger twin quickly, sitting beside Hikaru on the bed. "But... it might not be..."

"You heard what Haruhi said," replied Hikaru. "There's no point in worrying about it."

"Hmm..." Kaoru got up off the bed again and started to un-buckle his belt. "She'll have them by now though, won't she?"

"Yeah, I wonder why she hasn't called to let us know..."

"You know they don't allow phones in hospitals, it messes with the equipment," Kaoru pulled on some pyjama bottoms and sat down again.

"But... if she was at home, she could have called..." Hikaru was worried again now. "If she's still at the hospital, then that means..." He trailed off.

Kaoru jumped into the worried silence, putting an arm around Hikaru's shoulders.

"_Haruhi will be fine,_" he said firmly, hugging Hikaru tightly with his one arm. "If she's still there, it might just be that she needs a little extra rest before she goes home."

"You're sure?" asked Hikaru childishly, looking at his brother with his golden, cat-like, and currently rounded, eyes.

"I'm positive," Kaoru gave a small smile, before hugging Hikaru again, this time with both arms, and climbing into bed. "We'll go visit her tomorrow with the others and you'll see."

--

The next morning, Kyouya had a dentist appointment, Hunny and Mori had training at the dojo, and all the hosts were generally so busy that none of them could get to the hospital before mid-afternoon.

"Do you think Haru-chan will mind that we haven't come earlier in the day?" Hunny asked from Mori's shoulders as they all entered the hospital and went to the front desk.

"Of course not," replied Kaoru optimistically. "Haruhi's not the sort of person to hold a grudge for that kind of reason. And besides, she's probably already out."

But she wasn't. When they asked for her at the front desk they were directed to her room as usual.

As they made their way to Haruhi's room, some of them began to look a little worried- namely, Tamaki, Hunny and Hikaru- and Kaoru repeated what he'd said to his twin the night before, though this time his voice was a little higher:

"She probably just needs some more rest before she goes home."

Outside Haruhi's room, the six of them met Doctor Nakamura.

"Ah, doctor," greeted Kyouya. "Good results, I hope?"

The man immediately looked uncomfortable.

"What?" Alarm bells were clanging about in Hikaru's head.

"I think you'd best hear it from Haruhi herself..." he pushed open the door. "Miss Fujioka, you have some visitors..."

They all got a shock when they walked in and saw a drip in Haruhi's arm. She looked at them all with her big, brown eyes and tried a small smile.

"Hey guys," she said, but her voice was flat and hoarse, like she'd been crying. "What's up?"

"Haruhi..." Tamaki was open-mouthed.

"Mmh?" her eyes had now focused away from them.

Tamaki seemed unable to say anything else, so Mori asked the question they all wanted the answer to but which none of them were brave enough to ask.

"Haruhi," he moved closer to her, standing at the foot of her bed. "What were the results of the tests?"

Haruhi dropped her gaze to her hands, which were folded in her lap, and said, in a barely audible whisper, "Bad."

The bottoms dropped out of all their stomachs.

"How bad?" asked Kyouya quickly, as though trying to get it over with as fast as possible.

"Very," replied Haruhi, still not looking at them. "I... I'm... It's..."

"Haru-chan?" Hunny came and stood by her side.

"I'll be... dead... within a month..." Her voice cracked and faded to silence.

And with that, Hikaru tore out of the room.


	3. Running

**Ouran Fanfiction**

**Breathing**

**Chapter 3- Running**

Hikaru fled down corridors and stairs, dodging patients and hospital employees al the way. He knocked over a nurse's cart somewhere on the second floor and carried on running. He didn't know- or even care- where he went now. A car could come and run him over, and he wouldn't care. Muggers could come along, beat him up, steal all his things. He wouldn't care. He might even welcome some kind of pain. It would be something else to think about, something else to feel apart from this wrenching feeling that part of his soul was being ripped from him. He needed something else, something like...

Suddenly, a fully-formed idea appeared in his head, as though it had been there the whole time. Moving quickly, he walked down the road and into the nearest drugstore. He paused at the display of what he wanted, fiddling anxiously with the edge of his wallet in his pocket. Would they sell them to him?

Yes, of course they would. It couldn't look _that_ suspicious. He just needed to pick up something else as well, to make it look like a routine thing.

He grabbed the nearest box and then some plasters as well, sauntering over to the counter and trying to look casual, as though he bought these every week or two.

Once outside, he started running again, but this time he knew where he was going.

--

No one had moved since Hikaru had run out of the hospital room, unless you counted Kaoru crumpling noiselessly to the floor when his knees gave out. He was in shocked silence, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He blinked them back furiously, unaware of anything else around him. All he knew was that his heart was thudding madly, and it was getting difficult to breathe, to bring enough air inside him to keep him conscious. He heard, through the haze of misery, Mori's gentle tones, sounding completely different in their familiarity.

"Can nothing be done?"

This question seemed to bring the room back to life, and Kaoru glanced around at the others. Mori was gripping onto the end of Haruhi's bed, his knuckles showing white through the even skin. Kaoru wondered if the tall third-year would be able to bend the metal if he wanted to. Hunny was still beside Haruhi, tear tracks down his small face. Kyouya had ended up standing away from the others, arms folded and light flashing off his glasses, obscuring his eyes. Tamaki was merely standing, still in the same position as when he had spotted Haruhi's drip, and his expression was one of blank shock. However, every one of them had something in common. They were all staring at Haruhi, desperate for her to put their fears to rest.

But no such thing happened. Haruhi looked at them all sadly and Kaoru felt a pang go to his chest at the way she looked so very vulnerable. He had to make a conscious effort to suck in air as she answered Mori.

"They're trying their best, but... but they're saying that..." She paused, taking in a deep breath. "They're saying that there's about a ninety-five percent chance that I'm going to die."

This seemed to bring Tamaki out of whichever stupor he had been in. He wandered round to Haruhi's side and suddenly threw his arms around her. He said, between shuddering breaths, "Daddy's here, Haruhi... Daddy's here. Daddy loves you..." He was beginning to cry. It would have been funny, had it not been so heartbreaking.

"Tamaki-" she spluttered. "Can't... breathe..."

"Ah, I'm sorry my beloved daughter!" Tamaki let her go and sat down heavily on the sofa, his head in his hands.

They all sat or stood still again, digesting this new information. Hunny had begun to weep, and Kaoru closed his eyes, unable to bear holding in his tears any longer.

--

Hikaru was sitting on the ground in the park, under the tree where he had first learned of Haruhi's fear of thunderstorms. His purchases from the drugstore lay on the ground in front of him. The box of plasters and the box of razorblades. He didn't know how or why he had come up with this plan. He'd never harmed himself intentionally before. But then, nothing like this had ever happened before.

Quickly, before he had time to change his mind, he picked up the box and ripped it open, reaching inside for one of the tiny metal blades.

"Ouch!"

The razorblade fell onto the grass, and Hikaru watched as red swelled up out of his thumb. _Hold the safety end next time, genius._

Cursing quietly at his own incompetence, and wincing at the slight coppery taste, he put his thumb in his mouth, licking the blood away carefully. If it had been a conscious decision to buy plasters, Hikaru couldn't remember, but he was grateful to them now. One-handed, he unwrapped one of the adhesive strips and wrapped it around his thumb. He waited for a minute while the stinging in his thumb ebbed away to nothing. Then he tried again. Holding the safety end of the razorblade between his thumb and first two fingers, he raised his other arm.

The seconds that he hesitated for seemed to last for hours.

_What if something really bad happens?_

_I have my phone._

_This won't solve anything!_

_At least I'll be able to feel something different._

_This is wrong!_

_..._

Furious at his inability to find a retort to this last part, Hikaru moved the blade decisively about an inch along his upper arm. The pain tore a gasp from his throat and he accidentally drove the blade slightly deeper. It was worse than the small nick in his thumb, and he dropped the razorblade again. He glanced own at the scarlet on the pale, creamy skin and felt ill. He clutched his arm to him and tears began to trail down his face.

Now there was nothing to concentrate on.

Nothing but the pain.

--

Everyone was still sitting in the hospital room when the thunder sounded.

Haruhi squealed and dived under the blanket, terrified, and the others immediately forgot all else. Tamaki and Hunny moved to sit either side of her pillow, holding her hands gently but firmly in theirs. Kyouya moved to the window and pulled the curtains shut before sitting, with Kaoru on the other side, by Haruhi's knees. Mori remained standing, tall and imposing, at the end of the bed. It was at this point that Kaoru noticed his brother's absence.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru looked around the room searchingly, but he knew in some part of him that Hikaru had fled at the news.

He lifted himself from the bed. "I have to go find him," explained simply as he moved towards the door.

"Wait." The redhead turned to see Mori getting his rain jacket from the back of the sofa. "Borrow this."

"Err... thanks..." Kaoru shrugged the too-large jacket on over his shoulders and zipped it up.

"See you guys later." He turned back to the door, but then heard Haruhi's voice and turned back again.

"Will you be back?" Her eyes were wide as she looked at him.

He thought for a moment. "Depends how long it takes to find him."

And out he went, out of the hospital, and into the rain coming down in sheets.

--

The rain came suddenly for Hikaru, making him look upwards dumbly, as if not believing that it was really coming down on him.

Swearing to himself again, he threw the boxes of plasters and razorblades into the plastic bag and got up, glancing anxiously at the cuts on his arm. The first few had just about stopped bleeding, but the most recent were still weeping scarlet. Carefully, and feeling slightly light-headed, Hikaru stood up and began to wander through the rain. He did not know where he was going, but he knew he needed shelter.

Unaware that his feet had thought of some kind of destination for him, he looked up in surprise when he found himself standing in front of the little church where he'd sat with Haruhi on that day they'd been on a date. He wondered distantly if he was dreaming again, but the cold of the rain drove the thought away almost as soon as he'd thought it when he shivered. Even if it was, by some miracle, a dream, he was cold and wet.

Once inside, Hikaru closed the door and wandered slowly up the aisle, his pale, bare, damaged arms wrapped around his torso. He wished for Kaoru suddenly, needing the warmth of his twin beside him, feeling so alone and afraid in that moment that more tears began to seep out and down his face.

Before he knew what he was doing, Hikaru had crouched down and crawled under the table at the front of the church, he had the razorblade in his hand again, and he was sobbing uncontrollably.

--

Kaoru was standing under a bus shelter, cold, but mercifully dry, thanks to Mori's jacket. He sighed and saw condensation rising from his breath in the cold air. He'd looked everywhere for Hikaru, and couldn't think where to go next.

Dejectedly, he began to walk slowly along the pavement to find somewhere he could get some tea or something and warm himself up. Perhaps Hikaru had returned home, and he was sitting grumpily on his and Kaoru's bed, angry at himself for being unable to stop Haruhi from leaving them all.

It was then that Kaoru saw the little church. There was something compelling about it- maybe it was the small door, or perhaps the stained-glass windows. In any case, the younger Hitachiin twin felt drawn to it.

He slipped inside silently; his eyes adjusted to the dark as he ventured further in. It was peaceful here. Gloomy, but peaceful.

Kaoru sat quietly in the front row of pews, staring at the window as the front of the church shone with light from the lightning.

He heard a small gasp or cry, or a mixture of the two, and looked around worriedly.

"Hikaru?" he called desperately. Whenever he was scared, Hikaru was always there for him. Where was he now?

Silence greeted his call. Then...

"Kaoru?"

"Hikaru!" Kaoru flung himself onto the floor and lifted the tablecloth that hid his brother from view. He stopped short, frozen, his breath caught in his throat, when he saw Hikaru.

Hikaru was curled up on the floor in the foetal position. His skin was pale, almost luminously white in the gloom. Kaoru could hear his breaths, shuddery and ragged, and knew his own breathing was exactly the same. His pallid face was expressionless, except for his eyes, which were wide and staring at Kaoru in horror. But worst of all were- oh God he couldn't believe this- Hikaru's arms. Cuts up and down them, not too many, but enough to be terrifying, and in one of Hikaru's hands was a razorblade, red with blood.

--

An age passed, in which the twins stared into each other, both shocked and disbelieving. Hikaru hadn't intended to be found, but when he'd heard Kaoru's voice, he'd answered instinctively, desperate for Kaoru, needing him so badly in that moment that sense had left him completely. Now he regretted calling out. Kaoru was his younger brother, and Hikaru was supposed to protect him from horrible things, not expose him to them.

Kaoru stared at him for another full minute, before saying, very quietly, "Oh Hikaru, what have you done?"

Hikaru arranged his face to try and look defiant, but merely managed more miserable and pathetic. "What does it looks like?" he asked, gesturing vaguely with the razorblade.

"Hikaru..." Kaoru closed his eyes, holding back tears.

"W-well..." Hikaru stammered, sitting up slightly, his eyes wide. "Wh- what can we do?

He could tell that Kaoru was probably about to cry, but then the younger redhead suddenly seemed to turn protective.

"We're going to sort you out," he answered decisively, standing up and beginning to move the things on the table so that he could pull off the tablecloth. He dropped the white material and removed Mori's jacket, before crouching on the floor again and searching through the pockets. "Aha!" He'd found what he needed- a packet of tissues.

Hikaru watched his brother in a kind of dazed wonder. Kaoru was being so calm that it was a little unnerving and Hikaru wondered if he was dreaming again. But then Kaoru reached out a hand and lightly touched one of the stinging cuts and Hikaru winced with unspeakable pain, and knew that this was reality... Whatever reality was.

Kaoru pressed one of the tissues into Hikaru's free hand.

"Clean up some of the blood with that," he instructed, then added gently, "And please, give me this."

Hikaru looked where Kaoru was pointing and was genuinely surprised to see the razorblade still gripped tightly in his other hand. He dropped it and began to dab at his arm with the tissue, wincing more as he did so.

Meanwhile, Kaoru was ripping the tablecloth into long strips. When he had finished, he told Hikaru to put tissues on the worse cuts, to act as a kind of dressing, and then to wrap his arms in the bandages he'd made from the white fabric, no longer a tablecloth, and secure them with the remaining plasters.

When they were done, Hikaru's arms resembled those of an embalmed Egyptian mummy, but fortunately he'd mainly stuck to his upper arms with the razorblade, and he was no longer bleeding too dreadfully. He was still pale though, and it had only just sunk in that he was freezing cold, and that his teeth were chattering.

Kaoru picked up the jacket from where it had been lying on the floor.

"Here." He held it out to Hikaru. "You're cold, and wet. We need to get you to a doctor."

"No!"

Kaoru blinked at Hikaru's reaction.

"I... I don't..." Hikaru stumbled on the words around his noisy teeth. "I don't... want anyone... else... involved..."

"But Hikaru-"

"Please!" chattered the older twin. "Please... let's just... stay here... just for... a little while..."

"You could get a cold, or worse. You need warmth..."

"Well then, we'll stay here, dry off and warm up," replied Hikaru, wrapping the coat around himself, but then holding it open. "Come here."

Kaoru looked at him in silence, apparently deep in thought, or having some kind of inner struggle.

"What?" asked Hikaru, frowning slightly.

"I don't want to..." Kaoru now looked troubled and slightly desperate. "Hikaru, can't we just-"

"No," said Hikaru flatly. "We're staying here. Now, get under the jacket before you turn blue. You worry too much about me, and not enough about yourself."

Kaoru threw him a pained look, but then resigned and curled up beside his brother.

"Fine," he replied. "But we can't stay here too long. And I need to phone the others."

He produced his phone, quickly dialled and started speaking into it.

"Hey, it's me... Yes... Yeah, we're both... uhh... coping... Not sure... No, it's okay... No I think we'll both just go home soon... Maybe tomorrow... depends on... things... Yeah I will... Okay, bye."

He hung up and sighed.

"Thanks," muttered Hikaru.

"For what?"

"Not telling the others."

Kaoru stared at him. "Why would I do that?" he asked incredulously. "It's nobody's business but ours."

"Oh..." Hikaru fell silent, his eyes closed.

"Hikaru...?"

"Yeah?" The older twin opened one eye, looking sideways at his twin.

"... Nothing."

Hikaru closed his eyes again and soon his breathing became slow, even, and heavy.

Kaoru turned his head to look at his brother. He looked so peaceful, head dropped onto his chest, face free from all emotion, eyes gently shut. Kaoru studied the curving lines and planes of Hikaru's face and wondered what Hikaru must be dreaming about, if he was dreaming at all.

Slowly, and so gently that Hikaru would not feel it, Kaoru reached out a pale, shaking hand and placed it on the other side of Hikaru's face. He turned his head slightly, and brought his own face closer.

"I love you Hikaru," he whispered, hardly raising his voice above a breath. The words were different to how he usually said them. These were not spoken as if to a brother, or even to a twin. These were spoken as if to a lover.

Decisively, Kaoru lowered his lips and met Hikaru's in a soft, gentle kiss that was all tenderness and sweetness, a kiss of love. He broke away after the briefest of moments and gently lowered Hikaru's head again, before settling down beside his twin and falling immediately into sleep.

He did not see Hikaru open his eyes and turn to stare at him in the darkness.


	4. Understanding

**Ouran Fanfiction**

**Breathing**

**Chapter 4- Understanding**

Several sleepless and confused hours later, Hikaru checked Kaoru's watch. It was getting late and he was beginning to feel the effects of sitting on cold stone slabs for a long period of time. However, he continued to sit for a few minutes longer, still mulling over and over what had passed between the two of them.

He was stunned, of course. This... this _thing_ had been totally unexpected, and most of him was still in shock from having been _kissed_ by his own _brother_. The single thought 'oh my _God_, Kaoru just _kissed_ me!' had flown through his mind for ages, with varying degrees of emphasis, and was still present, as though the action were still sinking in. But other parts of his mind were starting to think other things. The part which was strangely Kyouya-shaped and always spoke with a kind of dry humour was saying, 'well, at least you know what he was going on about now' and another part was saying 'well, you always knew deep down really'.

Hikaru let out a soft sigh. Now that he thought about it, it seemed so obvious. He could have guessed even before Kaoru's confession on the day Haruhi had collapsed, he just didn't think about it. Kaoru's lingering longing glances in the host club, which Hikaru had put down to brilliant acting skills. The genuine tears in the corners of his eyes, which Hikaru had mirrored with tear drops. The way Kaoru would sigh and stare off into space if Hikaru said anything risqué in front of the host club customers, which Hikaru had taken to be boredom and more acting. Now, he realised that he had been just as taken by Kaoru's act as the fangirls, never guessing for a moment that it was real.

He threw another sideways look at Kaoru, feeling a pang in his chest as he watched him inhale and exhale slowly. One thing was for sure: he couldn't tell Kaoru what he knew.

Pleased that he finally managed to think a sensible thought, he decided to wake his twin so they could go home.

--

They said nothing to each other on the way home. Kaoru, unaware that Hikaru had been awake when he'd kissed him, assumed that his brother was tired and didn't want to talk about his actions with the razorblade, now safely in the bin outside the church.

When they'd made their way back to their room, Hikaru sloped off to the en-suite bathroom muttering about his arms. Kaoru watched him go before slumping onto the bed, staring at the ceiling and letting out the sigh he'd been holding back for a while now. He hadn't bothered to turn on the light, and so the only illumination in the room came from the regular flash of lightning across the dark side outside the window, with accompanying crashes of thunder.

He allowed his mind to dwell on what had happened in the church, playing the events back like a film, and was not surprised when he paused at the point when he had kissed Hikaru. He closed his eyes, remembering how it had felt to finally say the words he'd been bottling up for so long now, and to act on them. The kiss had- for him- been pretty wonderful. Hikaru was the person he loved most in the world, and to have finally done what he'd wanted to in so long made Kaoru's heart happy and his breathing hitch in his chest.

But with this joy came a feeling of sadness, of _guilt_, even. Looking back, it might not have been the best idea he'd ever had. He knew that Hikaru had been asleep, had probably not felt a thing, but he also knew that Hikaru already had a lot on his mind, that this would probably just be another problem for his brother, one more thing to worry about if he knew his twin was in love with him. Kaoru felt selfish and disgusting, lowest of the low.

He sat up, and a bolt of lightning flashed outside, cutting the sky in two and throwing light onto his new expression of resolve. He wouldn't do it. If he loved Hikaru- and he knew he did- he wouldn't. It wasn't fair. No, Kaoru would just do what he needed to do, and that was to support himself and Hikaru in this uncertain, fearful time. He'd be there for his brother, like a twin should be, and he'd never mention any of today's events to him.

Ever.

--

In the bathroom, Hikaru was also deep in thought. He was sitting beside the bath, one bandaged arm dangling over the side and into it, skin almost as white as the porcelain against it, the other lying in his lap. His legs were curled underneath him, his head bowed so that soft, reddish-brown locks fell over his face. His thoughts were going fast, but his breathing was fairly even and slow.

A new part of his mind formed; this one did not resemble anyone he knew, but it was saying, loud and clear, '_you enjoyed it, admit it_'.

The thought was so... so... _taboo_ that at first, Hikaru rejected it flatly, but it seemed the more he tried to squash it down, repress it into a dark corner to rot, the more it seemed to grow and infect other parts of his mind, so that soon his whole mind was screaming at him, '_YOU ENJOYED IT!_'.

_Fine_, he thought sulkily, _maybe I did_.

He shifted position so that he leant against the bath, hugging his knees. The tiles of the floor were hardly more comfortable than the stone slabs in the church.

_Yes, I enjoyed it_, he thought again. _But that doesn't solve anythi-_

His thought cut off.

Maybe it _did_ solve something.

He thought about the razorblade. He'd done it to help take the pain of Haruhi's announcement away. But that had been a stupid idea. It had only served to hurt him more and had made Kaoru worry about him. He didn't want that again.

But this way, it would _definitely_ be something else to think about, something to lose himself in, and neither he nor Kaoru needed to get hurt.

_Well_, he thought, with a slight mental smirk, _it might hurt one of us a bit, if Renge's fanfictions are true_.

He stood up and went to the sink, splashing some water on his face and taking a brief look at his pale reflection, before striding to the door and opening it.

Kaoru was sitting up on the bed and looked at him through the gloom, smiling a little.

"Hey," the younger twin said, standing up. "You're feeling better?"

Without a word, Hikaru moved towards his twin and covered his soft pink lips with his own.

--

Kaoru was stunned. His eyes grew wide and a thousand thoughts flew around his head at once.

_He wasn't really asleep in the church_, was his initial realisation.

_Is this really happening?_ He asked himself.

But this question was brushed away: _Who cares if this is real or not? He's kissing me!_

_Isn't this kind of... wrong?_

_But it's also what I wanted..._

_He must feel the same way!_

Upon thinking this, the younger twin let out a small gasp, causing Hikaru to pull away and look at him, amber eyes wide with concern.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Isn't... isn't this what you wanted?"

He looked crestfallen and Kaoru felt startled.

_He does..._

"Yes," he half-laughed, giving his brother a sweet little smile. "I just... never mind."

He kissed Hikaru, his arms winding round his neck as his brother's snaked around his waist, and their pale skin glowed gently in the occasional light from the storm. Lips moulded against lips, hands ran through hair, sighs were breathed.

After a short time, Kaoru felt something warmer and wetter poking against his lips and he parted them, allowing Hikaru's tongue access, trying not to giggle when it tickled in his mouth and met his own.

They'd unconsciously moved to kneel on the bed and now Hikaru's hands were caressing down Kaoru's back. They parted briefly as the latter's shirt was pulled off and the former's soon followed suit. Kaoru yelped when Hikaru's hands made contact with his bare skin and Hikaru pulled back again.

"What's wrong?" he asked again.

"Cold hands," replied Kaoru, looking sheepish and blushing very slightly.

This only made the elder twin grin and place his hands on Kaoru's back again, stoppering his mouth expertly with another kiss. Kaoru's hands laced in identical hair again and soon both of them felt a yearning for something more.

Hikaru nibbled experimentally along Kaoru's jaw, eliciting small mewls and breaths from the younger boy, before dipping his tongue in his twin's ear, which made him gasp once again.

It was only when Hikaru's hands were moving lower, low enough to graze the waistband of Kaoru's jeans, that Doubt reared its ugly little head in the back of Kaoru's mind.

_He's not doing this out of love_, it cautioned him.

_Shut up_, he told it, while lying back on the pillows of the bed and allowing Hikaru to gently suck and nibble at his neck.

_But he's not doing this for the right reasons_, Doubt retorted, louder this time.

_Go away_, Kaoru replied, his lips meeting with Hikaru's again. But the rebuttal was feeble, and Doubt seemed to become more apparent each second.

_Ask him then_, it said finally.

And he obeyed.

When he and Hikaru next came apart for air- Kaoru was _not_ going to make this even shorter than it had to be, even if it wasn't right- and Hikaru's attention began to turn downwards, Kaoru placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Hikaru."

Matching golden eyes met his, surprised at the stoppage and the seriousness the hand and voice held.

"What?"

"Why are we doing this?"

"Because I love you."

Fast answer. Too fast.

"Liar," muttered the younger Hitachiin.

"What?" Hikaru looked startled. "Kaoru, I'm not lying, I really do love you."

There was a calculating pause, then Kaoru murmured, "Fine. Maybe you're not lying. You do love me. But... just... just not in the right way."

Hikaru's face looked sorrowful. It was heartbreaking, but... It had to end and Kaoru knew that now. He sighed again, sadly this time, his hand stroking the side of Hikaru's face and their chests moving in tandem as they breathed softly. The thunder had stopped now and the only sound was the patter of rain outside.

"I know you're really upset about Haruhi," said Kaoru gently. "I am too... but this isn't right. Not for either of us. I know I... I wished for it, but not under these circumstances. I want you-" he paused and took a measuring breath- "I want you to love me for myself, not because you're hurting and want... something to do to take the pain away." He finished and smiled gently.

Hikaru's face was still that mixture of sorrow and shock; it worried Kaoru.

"Hikaru?" he whispered. His hand paused on Hikaru's shoulder, then moved down his arm, swathed in strips of tablecloth, and held the identical hand in his. Hikaru's eyes drifted down to the joined hands, apparently deep in thought.

"I'm sorry," he finally breathed. "I... I didn't think this through, did I?"

He laughed emptily, more a gasp than a laugh, and his eyes met Kaoru's again as he moved from his position straddling Kaoru to lie down beside him.

"I've screwed everything up, haven't I?" His voice was cracking. It could have melted a heart of stone and Kaoru felt a welling in his throat.

"No. You haven't screwed up anything." He pulled Hikaru into his arms, fitting easily around the familiar body. Hikaru's head rested against his and they could both feel each other's steady breathing, although Hikaru's was somewhat more agitated than Kaoru's.

"You've screwed up nothing," Kaoru repeated, hugging Hikaru to him and feeling his brother's heartbeat under his skin. "I'm still here for you, and you know how I feel now. I'm surprisingly glad of that."

Hikaru slumped a little so his head was against Kaoru's shoulder. "I don't know how you can be so calm," he whispered.

"I'm not," replied Kaoru. "I'm threatening to cry pretty soon actually."

Hikaru sniffed. "I still don't get it."

"Don't worry about it." Kaoru lifted a hand and threaded it gently through Hikaru's soft hair soothingly. They stayed silent for a while.

"Kaoru," Hikaru murmured, close to sleep.

"Yes?"

"What will we do without her?"

"... I don't know."

--

They must have fallen asleep that way, because the next thing Hikaru knew was waking on Sunday morning in Kaoru's embrace, still shirtless. Despite what had happened, he didn't feel awkward lying there, with Kaoru's arms wrapped around him and his head on Kaoru's shoulder. It still felt right, like it always had. He didn't even feel weird when he remembered what had almost occurred last night. He only felt a kind of closeness they hadn't had before, a stronger bond. A lot of people would have descended into awkwardness at this, thinking that it would be unforgettably wrong to have even kissed their own twin brother, but not them. _They_ were different.

Hikaru shifted away from Kaoru a little, hands still on his waist, and gazed fondly at the sleeping face. Gently curled eyelashes lay on his pale cheekbones and his strawberry-blonde hair flopped over his face as he breathed softly in and out. Hikaru smiled slightly at the sight and his breath left him in a sigh. The exhalation caressed Kaoru's face and Hikaru watched the translucent skin of his eyelids lift somewhat, stirred by the breath on his face.

Kaoru's groggy golden eyes moved about the room, recollecting last night's events and remembering that this was why he was wrapped in Hikaru's bandaged arms now. He smiled lightly, glancing at his brother.

"G'morning," he yawned, stretching his arms out from where they had been draped languidly about his brother's shoulders.

"Hey," Hikaru grinned back and moved away a little to give Kaoru some room to breathe.

They lay there for a few minutes in silence before Kaoru rolled off the bed and stood, padding over to the window to stare out into the clear morning. He seemed deep in thought and Hikaru left him to it, still half-asleep. Eventually Kaoru spoke.

"What time do you think we should go?" he asked, still staring out of the window at the smooth green lawns of the grounds.

"Huh?" Hikaru was confused and woke up, coming back to earth suddenly.

"To visit Haruhi," explained Kaoru, turning around to face him, long, pale arms folded over his bare chest.

Hikaru blinked a few times, digesting this idea. "I... I don't know," he replied hesitantly.

"Hmm... Well how about as soon as we're both dressed?" suggested the younger twin.

Hikaru immediately became visibly uncomfortable. "No... What I meant was..." He took a deep breath before adding, in a slight rush, "Maybe we shouldn't go at all... I mean I... I mean..."

"What?" Kaoru was surprised; his arms unfolded and his jaw dropped open slightly.

Hikaru shook minutely, though not from cold. "Y- you heard me..." he replied weakly. "I don't want to go..."

"Hikaru, don't be silly." Kaoru was using his reasoning voice, a hint of weariness about it.

"I'm not being silly, Kaoru, I just don't want to go!" Hikaru knew he sounded childish, but didn't care anymore.

Kaoru stared at him for a moment, then responded, "But Hikaru... Don't you care about her enough to come see her?"

Irresistibly reminded of his words to Kyouya the other day, Hikaru felt heat spring up behind his eyes. He had to pause for a few moments before he could say, barely above a whisper, "Kaoru... You know how much I do care about her. And that's why I can't go. It's hurts..." He adopted a foetal position similar to Tamaki's, his hands on his chest and his knees drawn up. "It hurts too much. And she can't see me like this." His voice caught on the last word and he had to bite his lip.

Kaoru took a sweeping look at the whole, sad picture, from Hikaru's despairing face to his poor, bandaged arms.

And had to agree.

--

"Miss Fujioka, you have a visitor."

Haruhi nodded to the nurse, trying to sit up on her pillow to receive whoever it was. As she attempted to ignore the weak arms and throbbing in her head, she heard her visitor enter the room and was able to lift her head enough to see Kaoru closing the door behind him.

"Oh... hi, Kaoru." She gave up and lay down flat again, staring at the ceiling.

"Hey." He came to stand beside her bed, looking a little nervous.

_Is that how everyone's going to look at me,_ Haruhi wondered unintentionally, _for the last weeks of my life?_

"Err... how are you?" he asked. Even his voice was uncomfortable. But at least he'd pushed past it and come to see her.

She half-smiled up at him. "I'd feel much better if I was sitting up," she replied dryly.

"Oh... of course..."

Within a few minutes, the slight brunette was sitting up and the slender redhead was perched on the edge of the bed beside her. Haruhi's breathing was different to usual, and Kaoru could hear it, though he could quite work out how it was so changed.

_Hikaru should be here._

Apparently Haruhi could read minds, because at that moment she looked up and met Kaoru's gaze before murmuring, somewhat sadly, "So Hikaru didn't feel like coming with you?"

Kaoru dropped his head slightly, staring at his knees. ""I'm sorry," he muttered. "I tried to persuade him to."

Haruhi reached out and took his hand. "Kaoru," she breathed. "I'm not angry."

"I know that."

She smiled sadly. "How is he doing anyway?"

Kaoru looked up and caught her eye. "Not great," he replied. "He got really upset and he..."

He trailed off, stopping himself before he blurted out anything about what had happened yesterday.

"And?" Haruhi prompted, concerned.

Kaoru shook his head. "And nothing. He got really upset. He ran off..."

Haruhi squeezed his hand gently. "Kaoru, please tell me," she implored, but he shook his head again.

He wanted to tell her- she probably had a right to know. But he couldn't betray Hikaru's secret so easily. Hikaru had a right too- to his privacy- and this secret was not Kaoru's to tell.

"I can't say..."

Haruhi sighed, head bowing slightly. "I understand."


	5. Waiting

**Ouran Fanfiction**

**Breathing**

**Chapter 5- Waiting**

Hikaru avoided the hospital entirely for the following few days. Each day, Kaoru would go to visit Haruhi, school having ended for the summer on Friday, and each day, Hikaru would remain at the Hitachiin mansion. Curled on the twins' bed, he felt as thought some great weight was keeping him anchored there for as long as he thought about Haruhi. After a while Hikaru worked out what the weight was- guilt. He felt so mean fir not going to see Haruhi when she was so ill and would be gone so soon, but the thought of going anywhere near the hospital filled him with dread and so he stayed at home, silent and dwelling, until his brother returned.

Kaoru, the quiet observer, never told Hikaru anything unless he specifically asked for it, always trying to distract him if talk turned in the direction of their dying friend. Hikaru was grateful for this: his caring twin always wanted to protect him, even if he felt like a cowardly loser about everything. They remained carefully since the other night and never allowed any kind of awkwardness to reach them. There were more important things to worry about right now, and both knew that, once they had moved on from this, they would have gotten past that. In some strange way it was convenient for that to have happened then.

The other hosts, Kaoru reported, were at the hospital almost every day, spending as much time with Haruhi as they could. This information only served to make Hikaru feel worse: more of a coward, more scared and more insecure.

One afternoon, after Kaoru had only just gone downstairs to get a limo to the hospital and when Hikaru was taking up his usual position on the bed by the window, the older twin heard voices downstairs. Voices he recognised as belonging to the other hosts. Hearing some kind of a discussion with Kaoru, he sat up straighter and tried to catch some of the words that were being said. Suddenly hearing them get closer, he turned his face to the door in time to see it burst open and the others come piling in, with a sheepish-looking Kaoru following. Hikaru stared at them. They stared at Hikaru. Eventually, Hunny piped up, "Hika-chan, what happened to your arms?"

Hikaru shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing."

He saw them all exchange glances and wondered how he must look in their eyes. His arms had healed enough that he no longer needed bandages, but plasters were stuck to some of the still-weeping cuts. His eyes, he knew, were wide and haunted-looking, the dark shadows underneath them showing how little he had been sleeping soundly in recent days. His already slender frame had become slight, his elbows more pointed than usual- he was still eating (Kaoru made sure of it), just... less.

Kaoru came and sat down beside him. "The others came to see how you are," he said in a low voice.

Hikaru gave him a look before turning his face back to the window. "Well as you can see, I'm fine, so why don't you all go care about someone who needs it?"

He glared at them and brought his knees up under his chin. About to turn back to the window once again, he heard Tamaki say, in some desperation, "Wait! There's more to it than that..."

Hikaru shifted his gaze to the host club king's face and raised his eyebrows. "And that would be...?"

The tall blonde appeared to shrink slightly but replied, "Just that... well... if you're not doing anything-"

"Of course he's not doing anything," Kyouya interrupted. "Kaoru said he doesn't do anything but mope while Kaoru's with us at the hospital."

The words cut deeper than the razorblade and Hikaru gave Kaoru a glower at the betrayal; Kaoru looked suitably abashed.

"Don't be angry at Kao-chan, Hika-chan!" Hunny's normally cheerful voice interrupted the exchange. "He only told us because Kyou-chan asked, didn't he Takashi?"

Mori nodded, silent as usual.

"And he didn't even phrase it that way," added the small blonde.

"Anyway," Kyouya said, straightening his glasses, "getting back to why we are here: Hikaru, we want you to come with us to see Haruhi."

The glare fell out of Hikaru's face and he looked at the shadow kind blankly, curled-up legs dropping so that he sat cross-legged.

"It's just a suggestion," Kaoru said softly beside him, a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"You haven't seen her since we all found out..." pointed out Tamaki, voice trailing towards the end of his sentence before he picked up a new one. "We just thought it might help both of you."

Hikaru stayed silent, weighing arguments and possibilities against each other in his head. He still felt scared, but... maybe...

No, it was too daunting! What would he say to her? The idea was-

"Please, Hikaru..."

He lifted his head to look at Kaoru sitting beside him and holding his hand. Hid brother's eyes were kind; they wished that he would go, but promised no obligations. Slowly, Hikaru nodded and earned a smile from his twin.

"You don't _have_ to do anything, just try..." he said, squeezing Hikaru's hand gratefully.

Hikaru gave another nod and followed the rest of the club downstairs where they all got into various cars to go to the hospital.

Hikaru, despite having agreed to this, was still somewhat nervous as they drove through the streets. One of his feet tapped anxiously against the other and he was biting his lip gently but insistently. Kaoru, noticing this, took his hand again and stroked soft circles on the back of it with his thumb.

"Don't think about it too much," he advised. "Just take it one step at a time."

"What do you mean?"

"Just think to yourself that the whole thing is in much smaller stages. You're just driving to a building, you'll go into that building, and you'll go into one of the rooms there. Does that seem less scary?"

"But what about Ha-"

"Don't think about that stage until you reach it," cut in Kaoru, with a squeeze to Hikaru's hand. "Just think about getting there first."

Hikaru looked at him for a moment and then nodded. "Okay... Just... Please don't expect too much," he replied.

Kaoru gave him a small smile. "Just do what you can," he urged. "I have faith in you."

---

Kaoru's faith, it seemed, was going to be tested. The grip that Hikaru maintained on his hand became tighter and tighter as they came closer to the hospital. By the time they were walking through the entrance and up to the front desk with the rest of the hosts, Kaoru's fingers were a bruised purple colour.

"Hikaru?"

"What?"

Kaoru gestured to his fingers and his twin sheepishly let go.

"Sorry."

"S'okay." Kaoru gave his brother a small smile as they all got into the lift.

However, it seemed that simply seeing the corridor that led to Haruhi's room was too much for Hikaru. He looked suddenly pale and looked at Kaoru worriedly.

"I- umm... I think... I think I'll just... well... I... err..."

With this, he took off down the corridor, away from the others, who all stared after him in silence.

"He's not coming back is he?" Tamaki mused after a minute.

"I doubt it," replied Kaoru sadly.

---

"Oh, thank goodness I found you..."

Hikaru looked up to see Kaoru come out of the hospital and sit down on the bench beside him.

"I was worried you'd do another runner and go to the drugstore again."

Hikaru shook his head, not sure what to say.

"Anyway... You're okay, right? I mean... you did well to get to where you did."

"I'm still a coward," muttered Hikaru, not sure if he was loud enough for Kaoru to hear.

The younger twin looked at him for a moment and then took his hand. "I don't think you're at all cowardly."

Hikaru squeezed his twin's hand in silent appreciation.

"She misses you, you know."

Hikaru did not know how to react to this, so he stayed still and said nothing.

"She wants to see you," added Kaoru, lightly but soothingly stroking his thumb across the back of his brother's hand. Hikaru lifted his head and looked at Kaoru, who looked back at him with his expression carefully unreadable.

"She told me she really needs to talk to you."

Hikaru was somewhat stunned. What on Earth would Haruhi need- or even _want_- to see him for? A thousand questions fluttered about in his head like moths, never staying still and always confusing.

"Did she say why?" he asked.

Kaoru shook his head. "Just that she needs to see you and talk to you."

Hikaru allowed his gaze to fall downwards so that he stared at his and Kaoru's hands.

"Are you going to see her?" asked Kaoru.

Hikaru thought for a moment. "I don't know... I'd like to know what it's about first."

"Mmh..." Kaoru made an agreeing kind of sound.

"Are you sure she didn't say anything?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"What were her exact words?"

"Something along the lines of 'please tell Hikaru I need to talk to him'."

"Nothing to do with what it was about?"

"No."

"Are y-"

"Yes, Hikaru, I'm perfectly sure. Look, if you're burning with curiosity about it, just go and see her!"

Kaoru sounded uncharacteristically annoyed and looked at his twin with sorrow in his eyes. It made Hikaru want to kick himself.

"Just go and see her," the younger twin added, a little softer now. "Forgive my wording here, but it won't kill you."

Hikaru sighed gently. "I know it won't but... it's so hard."

Kaoru nodded. "I know. But there isn't really an alternative."

---

It was only later, when he and Kaoru were lying in bed with the lights off, drifting on the edge of sleep, that Hikaru found an alternative.

"Kaoru..." He prodded his brother, who opened his eyes reluctantly.

"What?"

"I've got a plan."

---

"Hikaru, this is not going to work."

"Stop being so negative; of course it will," replied the older twin as he continued to push Kaoru's hair to the left with his fingers.

The latter sighed and pouted a little, folding his arms over his chest. They had plasters randomly stuck to them to keep up the illusion and Hikaru was giving him random instructions.

"And don't talk like you normally do- she sees through that."

"I know."

"And make sure you find out what it is she needs to talk to me about."

"I know."

"And-"

"I know. Hikaru, I know what I'm doing and how to act. Just leave it to me."

---

Kaoru walked along the corridor to Haruhi's room, praying that she wouldn't see through the disguise and realise what the twins had done. His heart seemed to be beating more than usual as he knocked on the door and pushed it open.

Haruhi was sitting up- a good sign- and a nurse was changing her IV drip bag. The latter gave him a smile and finished, giving Haruhi the usual 'if you need anything, ring' talk before disappearing. Haruhi turned her gaze to Kaoru, looking at him with her head on one side.

"Hikaru?"

Kaoru cleared his throat, imitating Hikaru's voice but making it more nervous, like it was when Hikaru was worried.

"H... Haruhi... hi..." He put on a purposefully wobbly smile. "K- Kaoru said you needed to talk to me."

Haruhi raised one eyebrow. "And where is he?"

_Ah..._ The twins had not thought of that. Kaoru thought quickly. "He... He's in the hospital shop."

"Sure he is." Haruhi was looking unconvinced.

"Haruhi-"

"Kaoru," she cut him off, "drop it. I need to talk to _Hikaru_. Please don't make that any harder."

Kaoru hung his head. "Sorry."

She softened. "I know it's hard for him. But I really need to talk to him."

Kaoru found that he had to agree.


	6. Soothing

**Breathing**

**Chapter 6- Soothing**

"But you gave up so quickly!

"She was serious and she's _not_ stupid."

"Couldn't you have tried just a _little_ harder?"

Kaoru exchanged a look with Hikaru and rolled his eyes. "It didn't work Hikaru. Just give it up."

Hikaru scowled at him and flopped, annoyed, into an armchair. They were at home, in the quiet drawing room in the north wing of the mansion where it was easier to have a private conversation. The sun outside was setting, forming long, red-orange shafts on the blue walls and making the twins' hair look like it was on fire. Presently Kaoru tucked his legs up beside him on the chaise-longue and rested his chin on one hand, elbow against the headrest. He considered his twin; Hikaru was now staring morosely at his knees.

"Hikaru..." Kaoru made his voice softer now; he did not want to start another argument.

"Mmh?"

"You know what you have to do, don't you?"

After a silence so long that the sun disappeared altogether and the room was left in cold blue tones, Hikaru nodded.

---

Of course, it was not as simple as that. Hikaru seemed to slump into some kind of emotional coma – it was the only way in which Kaoru could describe it – and was apparently constantly in deep thought for the rest of the day. Kaoru left him to it. He did not want another disagreement or to worry his brother and guessed that Hikaru was just collecting his reserves of courage to finally bite the bullet and go.

So he was not entirely surprised when Hikaru slipped out that evening with money for the bus in his pocket. Instead, he sighed with relief and went to call the others. Hikaru had done it.

---

The shaking started when Hikaru was three stops away from the hospital. Frustrated, he clenched his hands into fists around the pole he clung to and gritted his teeth. He was getting through this if it killed him.

_Now _that_ was a bad choice of words_, his mind put in.

"Oh, shut up," he muttered in a low, agonised voice, catching the attention of a nearby woman with a small child on her lap. She promptly shifted noticeably nearer to the door. Hikaru did not care – it was not like he was going to see her ever again. He would not have cared even if he was.

By the time the huge building came into view he felt unbearably sick with nerves and jumped straight off the bus when it stopped, worried he was going to vomit. Fortunately he did not; it would not have helped to go and see Haruhi smelling like _that_.

The trip to the right place felt like the longest and most excruciating of Hikaru's life. The long corridors seemed to stretch for miles and miles. The elevator moved a millimetre each minute. He folded himself in a corner, arms around his middle, and phased out everything around him, focusing on the next step.

When he finally got to Haruhi's room, Hikaru stopped. Voices were coming from the small gap between the door and frame and he quickly recognised them as belonging to Haruhi and her father. Not wanting to eavesdrop, the Hitachiin shuffled away from the door and hid himself in a nearby store cupboard, waiting. After a while, a nurse came down the corridor – fortunately not noticing the ajar door of Hikaru's hiding place – and knocked at Haruhi's room. Hikaru heard her push the door open slightly wider and tell Ranka that visiting hours were now over. There were quiet noises and words from inside, and then Ranka came out, walking down the corridor with the nurse and away. But the glimpse the redhead caught of the man's face was startling. His hair was lank and hung like curtains on either side of his pale visage. Stubble grew thickly on his chin and his eyes were puffy and surrounded by the darkest shadows Hikaru had ever seen. This was a man who was close to losing everything. His wife – Haruhi's mother – had already been taken from him early, far too early, and now his daughter and only companion... Hikaru had to swallow hard and blink a lot to regain his composure as the two figures disappeared from sight. He let out a shaky sigh and stood up straight, going to Haruhi's door. If Ranka could manage this, so could he. He knocked quietly, glance back down the corridor and slipped inside.

The light inside was dim; he guessed that the nurse had turned it down on the assumption that Haruhi would be going to sleep now. The brunette, however, was sat up in bed, apparently trying to stuff something under her pillow. Her gaze was toward the door, toward him, and as he watched she realised who it was.

"Oh... it's just you," she sighed, relieved, and took whatever it was out from under the pillow, leaving it on her bedside table. Hikaru saw now that it was an English textbook for school and a small pocket torch and smiled to himself. She was still obstinately Haruhi, and that made it easier somehow.

She was continuing. "The nurses don't li-"

Suddenly she stopped and looked at Hikaru again.

"Hikaru?! Really, it's you this time?"

He nodded and came forward, seeing a smile cross her face as she shifted sideways to give him space to sit on the bed. He perched uncomfortably on the edge and took a good look at her.

"Haruhi... You're so thin..."

It was a thoughtless comment from sheer shock, but it was so true. The brunette's arms were bony where they had once been slim and the hospital gown hung from her shoulders, now enormous. Her face, too, was emaciated, making her eyes look huge in comparison. However the light in those eyes was the same, reassuring the redhead now as she gave him another smile.

"I'm glad that you're still you," she said simply, taking his hand in hers. He could feel the bones in her fingers. "It's the IV... People always get a bit skinny on them. I'd have no problems passing as a guy now, ne?"

Hikaru looked into her face and exchanged the tiniest of grins with her. She really was unchanged.

"Thanks," she said after a short silence.

"What for?"

"For coming to see me. I was really worried that you wouldn't." She sounded genuinely sad.

"Oh... I'm sorry it took me so long..."

A question crossed his mind. "Why did you specifically want to see me?"

Haruhi squeezed his hand very gently, but he could feel the effort it took her in the tendons of her fingers. They pressed into his skin alarmingly.

"I just needed some time to talk to you and say goodbye really," she replied.

"What about everyone else?"

"I've already talked to them all. It's been easier because they've been around here so I've been able to spend a little bit of time with each of them."

Hikaru was taken aback. "Kaoru never mentioned that..."

"Would you want to talk about something like that?"

Hikaru said nothing in reply to this and after a minute Haruhi spoke again.

"It's not easy leaving everyone. And talking to everyone as though I'll never see them again seems so melodramatic... I feel like I'm in a play or something!"

She gave a short laugh but stopped, her hand gripping Hikaru's.

He looked at her sadly. "Are you scared?"

She dropped her gaze to the blanket, apparently thinking. "I don't know. I just know that I'm worried about leaving everyone behind."

"Have you always been so selfless?"

Haruhi lifted her gaze to him and her lips curved up in another small, but no less warm, smile. "I'm going by my mother's example... or what I remember of it," she explained. "She cried, but it wasn't because she was afraid or anything. She was just sad that she had to leave a little earlier than she would have liked to. She really worried about my dad – I can see why now."

As Haruhi looked at him with her sad, tired eyes, Hikaru had to resist the urge to wonder at how loud the fangirls would have screamed at that. Instead he shifted on the bed and, still holding her hand, asked, "What about the future? You wanted to be a lawyer – you could have been one so easily..."

She shook her head. "Please don't think about that Hikaru. There's no point wondering about it because it won't happen and it will only make you sadder to think that way. I'm not going to get there now."

Hikaru could feel something inside him shaking – the will not to cry, he supposed. He swallowed and took a deep breath in.

"Do you believe in Heaven?" he asked, searching her expression.

Haruhi glanced at him and then stared off into middle distance. She stayed like that for so long that only the gentle pulse against Hikaru's finger reassured her that she was still alive. Finally, she answered, "I don't know. Obviously the idea is a comfort, but we'll never know unless we get there. I guess I'll be finding out – or not – soon enough... Hikaru... do you want a tissue?"

The Hitachiin sniffed quietly and shook his head, wiping moisture from his face with his free hand. "I'm... I'm going to miss you..." he choked out shakily.

Haruhi squeezed his hand again. "I'll miss you too. All of you."

Hikaru looked at her again as she leaned forward, looking pained, to wrap her weak arms around his shoulders, face buried in his neck. He put her carefully and gently back onto her pillow, kicking off his shoes so that he could sir back with her and she could relax while still maintaining their necessary contact. He lay down beside her, holding her little form close and feeling her breathing against him.

"Thank you for being here," she whispered.

Hikaru let a few more tears seep from under his eyelids and said nothing. He knew that he could say nothing more.


	7. Breathing

**Breathing**

**Chapter 7- Breathing**

Hours later, Hikaru woke. The light was entirely gone now, everything reduced to darkness. He guessed that it must be the very earliest hours of the morning. All he could feel was Haruhi. She was still in his arms, her back to his chest because that was more comfortable for her. His body was curled protectively round her and his arms were curved around her small ribcage.

He could feel her slow breathing: out, in, out, in, out, in...

It was calming, steady, the sleep of the innocent. Just that slow, unchanging, regular rhythm: out, in, out, in, out, in, out...

He waited for the in. He counted for a whole minute. When it did not come, he knew she had gone, slipped out of life peacefully and without fuss. So like her.

He turned her head just a little and kissed her cheek, before pulling her frail body closer and trying to tell himself to just breathe.

It was over.


End file.
